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Slippery Soapy Slope

Posted by Tim Payne on January 16, 2012 in Musings, Writings

Have you ever noticed how ridiculous the names of some products are? I was in the soap aisle the other day and was amazed at the odd names of some of the soaps. I don’t know why I never noticed it before, but I’m beginning to think you can call your product anything you want as long as it has semi-attractive packaging and proper marketing.

Some of the names aren’t too bad – Ivory, for example, brings to mind an image of purity and spotlessness. Even Irish Spring is understandable – a spring seems like a nice, refreshing place to get clean…although I’m not sure why a spring located in Ireland is any more refreshing than a spring located anywhere else. Still, I appreciate the fact that if I ever venture across the pond to the land of leprechauns, I can anticipate what it will smell like and prepare accordingly.

On the other hand, some of the other soap names are just odd. For example:

Caress
This just seems completely inappropriate and a bit creepy. When you stop and think about it, it’s a bit surprising that this soap has never had charges filed against it for sexual harassment or something similar.

Dove
Is this a soap made specifically for ornithologists? Maybe it has a specially formulated scent that will not drive away birds, so that they can be more easily observed and studied. I assume it’s kind of like hunters pouring deer pee on themselves, but with prettier packaging and marketed almost exclusively to women.

Lava
I realize that this soap is meant for tougher jobs, but lava? Really? Has anyone ever had hands so dirty that the best solution is to lather  them up with the molten liquid from a volcanic explosion? I think I’d rather just have slightly dirty hands that have been Caressed.

Lever 2000
Umm…what? How did a person even come up with this name for a bar of soap? Were they attempting to use this particular bar of soap as a lever to catapult themselves into the 21st century? I’m not sure what else the 2000 could possibly mean outside of trying to sound futuristic, but if that’s the case, this bar of soap needs a updated name. Lever 2100? Or maybe Lever 3000 to sound even more futuristic?

The longer I looked, the stranger the names seemed. What other oddly named bodily cleansers have you seen?

 

 

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Things I Think…I Think

Posted by Tim Payne on January 12, 2012 in Musings

I think Starbucks that are located inside a grocery store should be called “Storebucks.”
Get it? Because “Storebucks” sounds like “Starbucks” and it’s located in a grocery store. And “Grocery Bucks” is just confusing and awkward.

I think it’s funny that PBS is just “pubes” without the vowels.
I’m sure that one day this kind of stuff will stop being funny to me…but that day has yet to arrive. I guess it could also be “pabes” or “pobes” but neither of those make me chuckle.

I think sheep that live in places where it rains a lot should be extra strong.
Being a wet sheep is a workout – all the rain soaks into the wool makes the wool heavier, which forces the sheep to get stronger as they carry the rain soaked wool on their backs all day. Not to mention all the mud that they inevitably have to walk through. I imagine sheep in wet climates probably look like they are on steroids compared to regular wimpy sheep.

I think the term “Certified Pre-Owned Cars” is funny.
Why “certified” instead of just “pre-owned”? Are car dealers constantly having to prove to people that the cars they are selling have previously been owned? Are they being accused of selling people new cars at pre-owned prices? Is it happening often enough that they feel the need to have pre-owned cars certified so people won’t think they are getting too good a deal?

What do you think?


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A Quintet Of Quixotic Questions

Posted by Tim Payne on January 10, 2012 in Musings

Question #1: Does water float?
When you pour a small amount of water (bucket) into a larger amount of water (ocean), what happens to the smaller amount of water? Does it float on top, sink to the bottom, or mix in somewhere in the middle?

Question #2: Is valet parking negotiable?
If you park your car right in the way and just sit there long enough, will the valet service agree to park your car for a discounted rate, just so you will allow them to move your car out of the way? I’ve never actually experienced valet parking (don’t trust them – they might carnap Virgil), so I’m really not sure how that works, but it seems like if you just show up an hour early and sit there in the way, you could get a sweet rate on the valet parking.

Question #3: Why do people get so sad when someone famous dies?
It’s not like we really know the person, their family, or friends. Is it for selfish reasons? Are we just sad because we realize that they won’t be around to entertain us anymore?

Question #4: Are canker sores just reverse pimples?
Or are pimples just canker sores that grew outward instead of inward? I wonder if it would be possible to have one of each at the same time at the same spot on the same cheek? What would you even call that? A Cankimple? A Pinker Sore? Why has no one figured this out yet?

Question #5: Why would you ever pick a capped pen over a retractable pen?
The only possible reason I can think of is so you never have to worry about the pen accidentally being clicked and stabbing you in the leg…or somewhere worse. I’d say the odds of losing the pen cap are just as good as the accidental leg stab. At least if a retractable pen gets clicked, it can always be clicked back; the only way to lose the retractability is to take the pen apart and remove the spring. If you lose a pen cap though, the pen is going to dry out and become unusable, but only after covering everything near it in ink.

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The World’s Best Hand Dryers

Posted by Tim Payne on January 9, 2012 in Bathrooms

I’ve never been much of a fan of hand dryers in public restrooms, and I still almost always choose paper towels if given the option, but these two hand dryers are about as good as it gets if paper towels are not an option.

The Xlerator was the first hand dryer that I ever used that actually gets hands completely dry the first time. I’m pretty sure it could also be used to exfoliate your skin since it nearly blows the skin right off your hands. If you have ever wanted to see the skin on your hands ripple like the waves in the ocean, this is the hand dryer for you.

This Dyson Airblade hand dryer is fairly new and cutting-edge as far as hand dryers go. Instead of placing your hands under the dryer, your hands are lowered into the dryer and slowly raised out. Fortunately for me, it has a picture on the dryer to explain how it works and is not nearly as dangerous as the name makes it sound. This is probably the coolest hand dryer I have used .

Do you prefer paper towels or hand dryers? Do you have a favorite hand dryer or know of any others that the world needs to know about?



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Weird Things I Do

Posted by Tim Payne on January 8, 2012 in Musings

Everyone has their share of weird habits, right? At least that’s what I choose to believe to make myself feel better about all the weird stuff I do. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about:

  1. When I drive over a cigarette that someone just flicked out their car window, I always pretend that it blows up my car (complete with sound effects).

  2. When I hear one of those air fresheners in a public restroom that sounds like someone opening a bottle of pop, I always think (and often say) “Can I have a drink?”

  3. I like to pretend that the interference/break-ins that come through my iPod’s FM Transmitter are part of the song I’m listening to.

  4. When I see someone buying a fountain drink, I often try to guess which kind of pop they are going to choose (I get it right approximately 31.8% of the time).

  5. Whenever I am making a sharp turn into a parking space I always lean in the direction I am turning, as if it’s going to help me turn sharper or keep from scraping the car next to me.

Every time I catch myself doing weird things, I reassure myself that it’s okay because everyone has their own quirky habits.

Do you have any weird/quirky things that you do…or am I alone in the weirdness?

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“Choose Life” Billboard

Posted by Tim Payne on January 7, 2012 in Photos, Silly Signage

It’s a little tough to read the whole thing, but it says “Choose Life…Your Mother Did.”

While I agree with the words on the sign, perhaps a cemetery is not the best location.

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